Black Friday 2003 was a day Cletus Davis family would like to forget.
Cletus and his four kids were up at 1 a.m., potbellies still stuffed with Thanksgiving feasts and cranberry stains on their shirts. They headed to the town’s Super WalMart to buy the woman of the house, May Ann, a fresh-water pearl necklace and earrings set ($114 Value) or a necklace, earrings and bracelet, shipping included ($217 value). Cletus knew he had to redeem himself after the 2002 family fiasco that erupted when he gifted her with $20 to spend at OfficeMax.
Upon arrival, Cletus drove around the parking lot for an hour looking for a spot to park. His youngest hooglian, Johnny, decided that the time would go by faster if he got out of the truck and started jumping on all the parked cars like an angry monkey. After about 15 minutes of that, he jumped on the wrong cars, those belonging to J.R. Martinez and Kyle Orton. Let’s just say that Johnny was handcuffed to Cletus for the rest of the day and neither one of them enjoyed it.
Now Cletus is a strong man, but when he walked into WalMart, he really wished he had some noise-reducing ear buds with free shipping ($50 value). Drown out the noise. Focus on the pearls. Don’t kill anyone, he repeated to himself over and over. He was interrupted by a forceful New Yorker shoving an application for 26 weeks of The New York Times Sunday delivery and a free issue in his arms. He immediately gave the paper to his daughter Susie who sat in a corner with Megyn Kelly and went to sleep in five minutes.
Cletus had never seen people fight over new ePad Android tablet, keyboard & leather carrying case or Memorex MI2290 travel iPod dock in black or white, but these rednecks went wild over this stuff at 2 a.m. – whether or not they needed it! One of them even flung an entire one-year magazine subscription to Elle, Cosmo, Esquire, Country Living and more toward Rocky, Cletus’s 5-year-old son, and broke his nose and knocked his shoes into next week!
Unfortunately, the quest for the pearls was abandoned and a trip to the hospital was necessary. On the way there, Cletus (and Johnny, since they were still handcuffed to each other) stopped into Verizon Wireless to spend $50 on any device or accessory so he could buy Rocky $40 Sketchers online since his only pair of shoes was nowhere to be found. Johnny was not happy about this and started acting like a monkey again.
If things couldn’t get any worse, Rocky was bombarded with roses when they walked into the hospital, and he broke out in hives. Cletus read the note on the bouquet: Hope you have a happy afterlife, Anne McCaffrey. This $35 worth of delivered flowers and more is the least I can do. Sincerely, Urban Meyer, future Dancing with the Stars winner.
When they finally reached the ER waiting room, it was packed with people decked out in Danskin active wear. Cletus had already had an overwhelming early morning adventure, so nothing surprised him anymore. He just sat in the corner, handcuffed to his kid, and let the other kids run wild and act like monkeys because he just didn’t care anymore. He still needed to get May Ann a gift, and the pearls were now so far out of the question that they might as well never have been a possibility. He finally just broke down a purchased her $79 for two-day free shipping and returns with great stores with ShopRunner. Then she could get whatever she wanted and save an extra 20% on Crowdsavings with coupon code NICELIST.
“I just went through all of this for NOTHING!” Cletus screamed in the waiting room. Weird looks came by the thousands as he slumped back into this chair to wait on Rocky’s nose to get fixed.
May all your Black Fridays be happy, merry and bright, and nothing like Cletus Davis experienced.
And that’s The Real Dealio!
By Marianna (blog: peachyperspective)
