Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Adventures of Santa Steve

Steve was ready.
He had been through Santa training every year for the past 20 years. He was determined to be the most amazing mall Santa in the USA. He loved talking with 96.35% of the kids who came to visit him year after year. He always knew how to respond to each kid, even when they asked for mega millions or latkes for Chanukah. He was Santa.
But when a mom and her child – a hobbit version of David Archuleta screaming, “Maggie Moo’s ice cream!” like a broken record player – were the first ones to approach him this year, he knew this was going to be one long season of being Santa.
“Santa, hey. I’m running late getting my Christmas cards sent,” the mom said. “I just bought a great deal on a one-hour photo shoot and 10 digital images and I need to use it ASAP for these cards or Granny’s going to M.A.D. Can we get started?” she said and she plopped her screaming son on Santa Steve’s lap.
“Uhhhh…” Steve wondered where his back-ups had gone. Oh, that’s right, I told them to go get their Barnes & Noble and Restaurant.com gift cards before they sold out and while no one was in line here. Why did I do that?!
Ten minutes later, Hobbit David gave up demanding Maggie Moo’s and decided it was about time he told Santa what he wanted for Christmas. And Steve was ready … kind of.
“Santa, my favorite restaurant in the whole entire world is Phillyman’s Cheesesteak. You can probably tell because I have a lot in my belly right now,” David pointed to his chubby 7-year-old belly. “Will you give me the restaurant?”
“Uhhh…no. I already promised to give it to Debra Messing. But how about $6 for $12 worth of cheesesteaks and more? … Ho ho ho!” Santa Steve responded.
“Nooooo! Fine then. If you were the real Santa, you would get me my own beer-making starter kit and ingredients. Pleeeeease? I want that more than cheesesteaks.”
Is this really happening? Steve wondered. He admitted to himself that he’d rather be talking with Snooki right now than a 7-year-old asking for booze.
“Awww, you’re too cute. Sorry, kid, but ole Santy can’t give alcohol to under-age kids for Christmas! That is no way to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, is it? Sounds like you just need some music therapy with private music lessons. How would you like that instead?”
Nothing but a blank stare from Hobbit David that lasted for a full five minutes. A long five minutes.
Santa Steve tried to convince himself this episode would not destroy his chances at being the best Santa in all the land this year. He just blamed the increasing ridiculousness of the kids (and parents) on the winter solstice.
So if you take your kids to visit Santa this week, take a good look at Santa. If his eyes are droopy and he’s a little loopy, just give him some grace. It’s been a long year for the ole guy.

And that’s The Real Dealio!

By Marianna (blog: peachyperspective)

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